I’ve got a few confessions to make: I’m terrible at calling people – I’m not good at “emotions” – and I don’t always know how to express myself except through a logical sequence of methodical isolation and reconciliation. I’m not the best at blogging – I’m very forward and factual…
My Mother passed away January 7, 2017 at the age of 56 from Cancer and just a few short days ago (June 24) my family held an “Ash Ceremony” in Independence, MO to burry her ashes to nourish the forsythia bushes near where my mother grew up. This is what I wrote that day:
19 “By the sweat of your face
You will eat bread,
Till you return to the ground,
Because from it you were taken;
For you are dust,
And to dust you shall return.”
Today, my family will hold an “Ash ceremony” and celebrate my Mom’s passing. Today, she will return to the ground so that the energy left will nourish the bushes on the old family homestead.
Amazing Grace, How sweet the Sound.
I know in my heart and my mind that she isn’t there any more – and – that her spirit will always be with us; but as each day goes on, I still long for a little more time.
That saved a wretch like me.
I wish that my daughter would have gotten the opportunity to grow up knowing Grandma. I wish Mom would have been able to be around and send miscellaneous crafts to Adelyn on her birthday and holidays. I wish I would have called more often, or told her I appreciate her more.
Amazing Grace, my chains are gone.
But, it was not to be. I am blessed to have had the time with her I did. I am thankful that she was able to come and spend time with Adelyn just after birth. I am glad my mom was able to see both her children married with children of their own.
Amazing Grace, I have been set free.
Best of all; I know that she is free. She is free of pain, she is free of Cancer. She is free of her human body. I know that her spirit lives within us and is very much alive today. The time I had with her, although I feel was short; I am thankful for. I know she still watches over us.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
The truth is; I hurt every day that passes and I long for just a little more time. Truth is, I’m not good at “emotions” because I often have believe they are “irrational” « I know shame on me; I mean, I realize people have emotions, it’s just that sometimes we can become hijacked by our feelings and not think clearly. But then again, maybe it’s just me… not allowing myself to be vulnerable to where God is leading me…
Just two years ago on Christmas Day, my mother called me and said ‘I have cancer.’ At that time, she was debating whether or not to seek treatment (I wasn’t particularly happy with that answer); but, my mom decided surgery was the best option. So, she received treatment, but never any follow up, and then the cancer returned. The following Christmas she celebrated with family and then January 1 was placed on hospice.
Truth is, that with my mothers passing I draw closer to God and my spirituality. I reflect on my Mother’s life and I see God in her life. I see the humble servitude from my mother. I see that though my mother faced trials and tribulations, she always put her children at the front. My Mom’s life defined ‘selfless service’ and ‘selfless sacrifice’ to me. I wish I would have called more often.
I draw closer to my family, my friends, my loved ones. I see that it’s important to make a tangible effort to call, text, email, and visit people because we are individual expressions of God’s love. We are the physical body of God (which is love). If we are so caught up in our ways and our own life then we might as well be texting and driving. The whole world is passing us by and we aren’t even paying attention. We are recklessly navigating our way through traffic saying “I’ve got this.”
I’ve found that “I” don’t have anything. “We” – that’s God and Me – We’ve got this. Without God’s love, without God’s Spirit, without God’s Son; who would I be?
I’d be a lost sheep; I’d be recklessly navigating through traffic; I’d be floundering alone in the wilderness. But, I am found. I have God’s love. I’ve got friends, family, and a congregation to support me.
My Mom shared with me towards the end “because family matters the most; and, I’m finding out just how awesome my family really is.” She spoke of the love, the compassion, and the bond that her family had. She spoke of her trials, tribulations, and celebrations. And what she was most proud of was my brother and me.
I’m just an individual; I’m just Mikal… but I’ve got my family, I’ve got the Love of God, I’ve got my congregation… We’ve got this – that’s God and us; with him all things are possible.
Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound, I Once was lost, but now I am found.